Man I feel some type a way, as the children say today. I have so much on my plate that part of me wants to run away, part of me wants to cry, another part of me feels as though that I am restarting my life, and the whole of me believes that God is pruning me, growing me, spanking me, and never leaving me.
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So many changes. Most of them are positive. I have gained some friends and lost some. People are in your life for a season, for a reason, or forever.
I am learning the balance of humility and not blocking my blessings, teaching my children via my actions, and persistence. It is absolutely funny how things come back around. I am finishing my Masters at Walden and will finish my other certificate at FSU. Who knows if I will go on from there. I am enjoying time with my honey and learning to not put our children before our marriage. They are learning the difference too. This new respect for our marriage is helping. Putting me first has allowed my husband to respect me and me time too. 2 years ago I mentioned that Whitney was pushing me away; it is funny cause she is pulling me closer as she learns about herself and life. She is now driving. Whew, I am leaning on the Lord and not operating in fear! God I believe in you and your plans for my family and our life. My Jordan is erupting into a little, big (oxymoron) man. He is learning about his weaknesses and how the bible fits into it. Keeshon has graduated from high school and is deciding on what college. We are all growing. Regardless of what happens tomorrow, we are blessed. This time in my life is wondrous, scary, exhilarating, and sometimes stressful. Each year I learn new things about myself and those people around me. I learn the strengths and weaknesses of us all.
I learned that I have some great friends who keep me going. I don't deserve them because I am a human asshole, but they understand my weaknesses and strengths and love me. Erika, Twana, and Marisa Joann have prayed for me, my family, my children who they love and my marriage. Praise God for these women. I am so so so blessed. I realized though my definition of friends has differed since I staunch decided on what it meant to me. I used to tell my previous co-workers that friendship is a person who comes to your home. Erika lives in Chicago. We can see each other only every other year or so, but I know she is my friend. My previous co-workers and I rarely will visit each others homes, but I think I can now know that I feel their friendships are special to me. We are not the same race, one is not the same gender, we are not even the same division of our faith. But we are brother and sisters and Christ. And they have taught me so much and I can never tell them how much they mean to me. My daughter has just won an important pageant for her. She is the Southeast Regional Rhoers pageant. What was most important is that Sigma Gamma Rhos get her. They embrace her. Even before this event. I am so blessed to see her thrive. This is the age where she is pushing me away. I felt blessed that during this event she drew her mother near. I understand that she is becoming her own woman. I could not be more impres Nicki Mc! :) Praise God. I am starting a new job in February of 2012. I am excited at starting the new. I am excited at being able to expand. I pray that God is with me and that I continue to be in HIS will. I hope that I will be a blessing to my job (same career, new place of business)!
There is so much that I could say, but it would hinder and embarass myself, my husband, and possibly disturb my future. I will wait and see where God uses this time in my life.
Most black people are really proud. Sometimes to the deteriment of themselves and their relationships. When you have taken the back seat (sometimes undeservedly by this country and its country men) it seems necessary to put out wolf cookies to get folks off of you. People would rather see you do as badly as they are. That is not who I am. I am not perfect and have made the same mistakes others have done to me, recently, but in different ways. So I take fault in what has gone wrong, recently. I still hold on to my faith and before acting out more, I will heal and move past this time for myself and my family. After crying, screaming, and acting belligerent, God has given me peace. We shall we what true promises God has in store and what I will learn from this. Never say you will not do something. My God will show you how that is probably untrue. It is hard to believe that your world can be shattered and rebuilt differently in a day's time (sometimes for the better). I told my BFFs, Erika and Marisa that I would be writing more to clear my mind. I guess this blog is just that. Yesterday I took an important step, I joined the gym. Lord knows I do not like spending money for nothing. So joining the gym forces my hand. I know I have to step up. Randy and Shannon worked me hard. That was good.. I am sore today.
I pray to my God that I can be consistent and that I continue on my journey of better help. I had a shitty day and working out took that away. Happy Birthday Mother-in-law! I have to ask myself, am I really ready for a change? Can I stick to it and committ? The real answer is I don't know!
It is my dream to live life well. I want to LOVE and to be loved. I am so blessed to live where I do, to have some great real friends, and to be a wife and a mother. I am blessed to be a child of God and that I hear His will in my heart. I want to feel great about life and who I am NOW.
I am grateful for where I am. I look forward to improving and growing with dignity. |
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